Ramblings of a Cookie Monster!

Longterm plan

My auntie wants to stop paying for our mortgage..that is definitely a factor and yet she has no clue about what she wants..yea I think she wants to be closer to her family which means Vegas because everyone is here on her side..and ooOoOoo her most favorite addiction of slot machines are pretty much EVERYWHERE..our house is up for sale that I know cuz I’ve looked it up and it’s legit..but ask her about what she is planning to do and where we are going?? Omg a half-ass plan..but after telling my dad about it, it became clear to me finally..
I ain’t gonna lie I LOVE California and esp. The bay area but I don’t really mind moving either..the circumstances have to be right though..if that makes sense..but I feel like its not right as of now..I dunno maybe there might not even be a right time but I sure as hell know it’s not right this moment lol..
I am sort of tired of flying back and forth tho..

Errands gone wrong..

Being here for just a couple of days not even a week yet and I feel like I’ve been here for months!!! Besides from the dramatic weather climate and incessant boredom at times I know I’ve helped tremendously if not for my mom but esp. my dad..it’s my 2nd night of having to wake up in the middle of the night and 1st waking up and day starting at 530!! Yea I get where the tiredness comes from..
I usually don’t complain about being at home and most of the time I like being at home but for some reason I’m not comfortable..which I guess I understand when my dad told me that…do I miss my tv? My own computer that ain’t supperr slow? Or is it just my stuff that I miss? Is it being around my family?!!! I seriously have no idea..
I had to send out a package today and go to the bank..oh god I seriously thought it would be easy..I get that my dad wants to get to know me and shit and he always hears how I navigate for my uncle but shit man..we going to the post office not a different city..he askes me for directions and I’m like uhh you don’t know where a post office is? I really don’t care which one..but he says he doesn’t know the direction..like wtf? Okay then..so I think I pick the closest one and tell him the direction..my dad man..always thinks he knows where the direction is..I don’t get why you asked me then..we ended up at some weird plaza with no FedEx..and trust me I was annoyed!! So I just said do u know where a post office is?! And he says yea I told you I think it’s closer over the other direction..why oh why did u ask me then..we get there and I do my business..I then ask him do you know where the nearest bank of America is and yes I was scared to even ask but I asked anyway..he says no..I swear to god if it wasn’t just down the street I would of just said forget it I’ll go with L…makes me miss Hercules a little bit more since the post office is right next to a bofa..haha

Total care

I totally understand what it’s like to take on the responsibility of taking total care of other family members..so I know just how hard it is and difficult it is for the person and the person doing the care..my lolo is no cake walk and the apple does not fall far from the tree with my mom..I also can understand the frustration on both ends..I know what it’s like to get annoyed by the person since they don’t wanna listen to you and just wants to do what they want to do..or the fact that they think they can do more than they are able. It’s difficult and it will push you to certain limits. Not everyone is built for that kind of shit..Taking on that responsibility is tremendous because your giving up a little bit of your independence..but so is the person your taking care of. It’s especially hard for those who dont want to take on that responsibility but have to.. So I get the frustration when your telling the person you can’t do this or that..even with an explanation of why they are at a lost but it’s at the lost of what they were able to do..my mom could not stop crying when i told her i wouldnt give her anything to drink if she did not stop crying..frustrating for me when i thought she was done but would start again and all she would do was ask or keep looking at the bottle..i eventually gave in but had to watch her like a hawk when she started drinking..what’s the worst for the other person? Feeling like a burden..it weighs heavy on the other person more than anything else I think.

I am emotionally and physically tired..Im not sure how long I can last doing this without significant changes..family says there are no expectations for me yet there are..what the hell do you want from me? I’m doing my best to balance shit in my life..yet there are these expectations and judgements then suggestions that i guess people seem to think they can just say to me..first of all..ask the right questions, everyone seems to ask the same questions because they don’t understand and most definitely because they don’t know me..I get it, yet people look for these answers that satisfy what they think is adequate “talk” and getting personal answers can either be to much or they don’t want to go that far..yet probably only 2-3 people have really sat down with me and personally said something and have had a bunch of people just say shit to me out loud..I’m already uncomfortable man..u want the general shit then…that’s what u get but don’t think u know me..

I love the few members who don’t say soo much bs and are encouraging.. Unfortunately I’ve gotten stuck with one who thinks she knows everything about life and threatening is the only way she motivates..if anything she is in denial that she herself needs therapy and help..

I can’t lose myself in all this mess..and I’m sad to say I think my dad feels like he has lost himself..yet how many times can I say the same shit over and over to this fool?! Excuses and more excuses..there is soo much to say about this but I have a headache now..

F u wind chimes!!

I watched this scary movie the other night..sort of like paranormal activity cuz this happens in a house and to a particular girl..I found myself awake at 4 am..it’s windy as hell and I mean you can fly away kind of shit..my uncle has wind chimes outside his door..and all i can here is that annoying ass melody..I’m sorry but that shit is scary..plus the windy beating on the window..and shadows on the door were freaking me the fuck out..I had flashbacks of paranormal activity and that scary movie I watched the other night..I swear I didn’t sleep till 6! And now I’m awake..tired